Friday, September 1, 2017

State of the Artist: Sep 1, 2017

Why do I blog?

This is a question I hadn't been prepared to answer over a decade, up until now.

In large part it's because I want to share what I learn and what I think with the world at large. I like to help people—and weirdly it doesn't seem to be for any selfish reasons. If the act didn't make me feel great (and most of the time it doesn't—it's fairly neutral for me) and I was being selfish, I'd stop. If I never receive help back, it doesn't seem to bother me. If a person actively hates me, I feel sad that what I provided didn't give them the help they wanted or needed, and made them feel a lack in themselves that I didn't intend to cause.

But the other part is that for the longest time I didn't have anyone else but people online to talk about my interests. And for a long time I ached for human connection, and had very extrovert tendencies.

Naturally social media is an irresistible trap for me, and easily cuts into my own self time without allowing me time to develop myself and my skills. I've had to cut it off fairly entirely.

And both blogging and social media have lead to many non-safe interactions. As someone who just now is able to start to heal from the pain of many years of abuse, not only do I have to deal with the emotional fallout of your average internet trolls, but I also get to deal with people who hunger after my content and start to demand that I stop "acting" sick and use yoga to heal myself and get back to producing articles they like reading.

This hasn't happened in art yet, but... I really don't want that to happen. It's happened to me once already with another interest, which has stopped really interesting me enough to write much about it.

I also trust people too easily. I have everlasting faith that people can be better, even with those who feel perfectly fine throwing racist epithets at me or calling me stupid, mentally challenged, etc. And I feel betrayed every time it happens... I think, "I know you're better than this, why aren't you? Did I do something wrong? Is this happening because I'm a horrible person?"

Everything circles back to: why do I blog?

I have people I love now, who love me back. Who love me like found family, and one of whom is an artist (and my unofficial tutor). I can chatter about art as much as I like.

So the need for human connection outside of that social circle just isn't there anymore.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an outlet.

But if it's public, it's not really an outlet, is it. I put on my best face here. I write for an ideal audience. And doing all that costs me a lot in health and mental stability.

So I'll take a break from adding to my queue (there's a few more posts coming) and take a week or two off. And if I choose not to blog regularly again, that will be the right choice for me.

Talking about this has been a weight off my shoulders. I'm so very pleased about that. I think I'll still use a private journal, though. I frequently review my thoughts and progress, which is a definite key to learning more quickly.